I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
