i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
