I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
