Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
