just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
