If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
