i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
