i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
