Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
