I love black thongs
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you made out with another girl for some wings
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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