I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
