oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
