The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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