god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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