The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
