If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
