As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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