you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
