At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
