At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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