She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
