Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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