Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The Olympian is in my bed
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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