dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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