You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
