The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
