I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
