so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
