Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
