Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
