my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
