How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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