my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
