I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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