Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
