i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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