how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
