I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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