Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize