If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
