I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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