i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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