You're a womanizer and a bitch.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
