you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This is my gift to your gina
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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