She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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