So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
