If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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