I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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