im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
