my phone needs a breathalizer
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize