someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
