I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
