Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
