i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
