no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
