The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
