i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
