I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
