My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
