Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
