The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
